#theMJproject poetry

I have written several poems since losing my daughter and thought that I would share them with all of you. I am so sorry for your loss as well and I hope we can find a community here to support one another, spreading kindness and love to all those around us. **More will be added to the top of the page, as I write them.

TRIGGER WARNING: These may be hard to read because they were written out of intense pain and grief. Hopefully as the weeks and years go by they will get happier....

MARYA

3/18/25

(5 months today)

Think about my child

as you go about your day

The outfits that she'd wear

or the silly things she'd say

The tattoos that she had

and the way she styled her hair

How her presence made you feel

like you could walk on air

Her beautiful olive skin,

her mesmerizing eyes

How she always fought for the underdog

and really hated lies

Her precious dainty hands,

her cute little button nose

All she had were friends,

never making any foes.

She really was so small,

barely made it to 5 feet

She was always caring for others,

she really was so sweet

She didn't like loud noises

and had a hard time saying no

She had so much hidden talent

for the costumes she would sew

She was an amazing artist,

whether drawing or using paint

So excited about her 1st apartment,

Her decor was really quaint

She loved all bugs and animals,

in nature she felt free

One fluffy butt named Dexter,

was her favorite kitty

She loved hunting little crabs

while walking in the sand

The yearly beach trips we would take,

those memories are so grand

She shared her love, no conditions,

with everyone she met

Made an impact on so many lives,

and they will not forget

A good girl, never doing wrong,

her brother may not agree

But even on their worst days,

all my kids are perfect to me

Marya was a unique name

for such a precious soul

Variations of her name passed down,

four generations in a row

People had such a hard time saying it

I never understood why

Thought I'd be correcting others

until the day I died

Her laughter would fill up a room,

I can still hear it clear as day

I see her face so vividly too,

I hope that never goes away

She'd say "Hey gramma! Made you look,"

answered my questions with "Your mom!"

She'd laugh at all of daddys jokes,

even if they were "just wrong."

Caleb and her were so very close,

although they didn't always see it

Brooke was the big sister I may not have birthed,

but Marya so desperately needed.

Alex and her looked so much alike,

tho the difference in height was quite funny

The four of them had such a tight bond,

always making each others rainy days sunny

Her and daddy went shopping alot,

Seeing what treasures they could find

I loved to lay in bed watching old movies with her,

I wish I could just hit rewind

We all love you and miss you quite a lot.

You'll never be just a memory.

We carry you with us and still spread your love.

You're a huge part of them

...and me.

~Mommy

***********************************************

Worth it

3/13/25

Today the pain, it rips at my soul

All this love with nowhere to go

So many memories still left unmade

Grief's a friend, but unrelenting foe

A yearning ripping me apart

A scream that never ends

So much pain locked deep inside

A heart that never mends

I'm blessed I had you 19 years

I almost lost you at 4

Still I'm angry, sad and broken

That I wasn't given more

Time was more precious then I knew

I wish each moment I'd memorized

The mundane, the silly, the good & the bad

If only I'd realized

I'm so thankful you went peacefully

That you never felt any pain

But that doesn't mend the hole that you left

Or stop me from going insane

Each second on earth is weighing me down

I now feel the gravity

No longer are my feet light on the ground

Devastation is all that I see

When you were here, life was so good

Happy and blissfully unaware

I didn't know that when we turned the next page

You'd disappear into thin air

Still, I'll take this grief and give it love

I'll thank it, my words won't be fake

It's proves to the world that you mattered

Every moment was worth every ache

~Mommy

***********************************************

Snow globe

3/10/25

My brain is like a snow globe

Violently shaken around

The snow has not yet settled

What if's and should've's abound

It's like a winter blizzard

A cold wind numbing me

I keep trying to slowly move ahead

But it's just too hard to see

Sometimes the snow, it settles

For a moment I can think

But reality is just too difficult

Into the snow I sink

I try to clear the painful thoughts

Again the snow globe shakes

For this simply cannot be true

There MUST be some mistake

I try my best time and again

To make some progress ahead

But I'm content in this blinding denial

Where nothing was left unsaid

It's hard to think in this kind of storm

It's hard to face the truth

I continue blindly trudging ahead

Following your footsteps like a sleuth

But these are not your tracks

Rationally I know it can't be

After all, you are no longer here

A fact that still baffles me

Sometimes I think I made you up

A beautiful dream in my head

After all, if you were really here

How on earth can you now be dead

I keep fighting through this blizzard

I wish it would just let me be

Each memory cuts me way too deep

I shake my snow globe...

... I don't want to see.

~Mommy

***********************************************

Another

3/2/25

Another sun without you

You seem so far away

I still think about you,

Every moment of the day

Another breath without you

An elephant on my chest

This grief it gives me only pain

There's no solace, there's no rest

Another minute without you

Seems such a small amount of time

But the loss of you is such a weight

I'll never again be "fine."

Another hour without you

I don't even know what I've done

It all flashes by me in a haze

There is nowhere to hide or run

Another moon without you

The sky is dark, yet bright

I still dream about you,

Throughout each and every night

Another week without you

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock

Nothing changes, no matter what I do

I can't turn back the clock

Another event without you

We all miss you so damn much

You're all around us, still it hurts

We cannot see or touch

Another month without you

How has it been this long

The days pass by and still I wait

For you to come home,

BACK WHERE YOU BELONG!

~Mommy

***********************************************

Empty

1/24/25

Empty is my heart

Yet still so full of love

Empty is my mind

Yet it rattles from above

Empty are my days

Without you to text or call

Empty are my weeks

When you dont stop by at all

Empty are my months

They pass by in a daze

Empty are my eyes

As they stare beyond the haze

Empty is the music

The sound all monotone

Empty are my dreams

In nightmares now I roam

Empty is my soul

It still yearns all the time

Empty are my arms

Yet you were once in mine

Empty are my prayers

There is no "god" on high

Empty are my lungs

In silent screams they cry

Empty is my mouth

I have no words to say

Empty is my life

Now that you have gone away

~Mommy

***********************************************

Losing My Mind

1/16/25

I think I'm going crazy... losing my mind

Like two different people live in me

Half of me is rational, half of me is blind

One sees what the other wont see

You aren't really gone, you're just not here

You'll return to me safely one day

It's all becoming so very clear

Youre still alive, I don't care what they say

See, if you were gone I would be a puddle on the floor

If you were gone, I'd cry all the time

Yet life continues just like it did before

So, I am certain that you are just fine

My daughters not dead, I know people are lying

My daughter simply got lost on her way home

I don't want your truth, it something I'm not buying

She simply wouldn't leave on her own

I don't know why she didn't come back on Christmas day

I don't know why she's been gone so long

I don't care what all those people say

One day she'll be back where she belongs

That urn on my shelf is just decoration

My daughter can't be dust inside there

Shes just on hiatus, a very long vacation

Just stand back and give me some air

I don't know why she hasn't called to say she's okay

I don't know why we haven't seen her this year

She has her reasons though, she wouldn't have strayed

She'll come back and this pain will disappear

"But your daughter IS dead", my other half yells

"You cannot just wish this away.

You cannot believe in two parallels

You know she's gone and WONT be back here one day!"

See, she IS gone and that's why it hurt so damned much

She is gone, that's why there's pain in my chest

Theres no hiding the fact that its her I cant touch

This grief and despair gives me no rest

She is really gone, letting that sit in my brain

She is gone, tho I wish it weren't true

A shadow of myself now, half rational, half insane

Shes not alive and I have no idea what to do

I think I'm going crazy...losing my mind

Two different people live in me

The one who grieves constantly, tears making me blind

The other, the girl I used to be

~Mommy

***********************************************

Untitled

12/31/24

Goodbye and good riddance 2024

Goodbye to my sweet baby girl

Goodbye to the me I once knew

Goodbye to the joy that used to fill my days

Goodbye to my once beautiful life

Goodbye to waiting for you to walk through that door

I did not know what this year would bring

I didn't realize when the countdown had begun

That 2024 - with one single loss

Would be the one that destroyed me

That a year filled with such great joy

Would also bring the worst pain I'd ever feel

That all the smiles, family fun and blessings

Would turn into an unimaginable nightmare

That simply learning to breathe again

Would be like climbing Mount Everest

That losing a child, my amazing daughter Marya

Would be something I'd be forced to endure

I did not consent to this new life

I didn't know time was so very short

That a year you started with such a big smile

Would end with you laughing no more

That every moment with you I wasted

Would quickly turn into regrets and deep guilt

That the family beach trip to see your brother propose

Would turn into our last one with you

That those 19 years of beautiful moments we shared

Would be all I would ever have

That a soul that is screaming, so silently

Would trap me like Medusa's gaze , frozen in time

I did not know today would hurt

I didn't even stop to consider

That saying goodbye to another year

Would feel like saying goodbye to you again

That starting a year in which you don't exist

Would cut me to the core

That watching this world move ahead

Would feel like a good friend's betrayal

That just thinking about the midnight countdown

Would feel like an anxiety attack

That the dawn of January 1st

Would feel like I was leaving you behind...abandoning you

Hello new me without any spark

Hello to more nightmares ahead

Hello to feeling more dead than alive

Hello to only seeing you in my dreams

Hello to the grief, the ache, the big hole in my heart

Hello to a life in the dark

I did not know what 2024 would bring

I didn't even stop to consider

But now that it's almost 2025

My mind is full of terror

~Mommy

*******************************************

New Year Nightmare

12/28/24

Here's to the end of another year

That quite frankly can go straight to Hell

One that caused such pain, grief and fear

One that proved you never can tell

When the year had only begun

We could've never guessed what it'd bring

That our daughter's life would be done

There would be no more reason to sing

January, the first of the year had arrived

Our Marya was still full of joy

By October somehow our child had died

All because of a careless boy

In February we had so much love

I truly felt I was blessed

I'd often thank the Heavens above

Now I am nothing but stressed

March came and I was full of luck

4 kids and a husband I cherished

Now life absolutely sucks

Because our daughter has perished

Easter came with all it's April showers

We celebrated on Cadbury drive

She helped me plant most of my flowers

Back when she was alive

My birthday was celebrated in May

Didn't know by 47 I'd be undead

Wasn't aware the price I would pay

Or the nightmares that would live in my head

By June my gardens were growing

We'd sit on the back porch and talk

Both of us innocent...unknowing

That you were nearing the end of your clock

You flew out of the nest in July

Moved into your very own place

No clue how much I would cry

How many memories I'd want to retrace

August beach trip, finding tons of sharks teeth

Your brother got down on one knee

Now riptides have grabbed and pulled me beneath

I'm stuck amidst all this debris

Even when September came

I was still blissfully unaware

That something would blow out your flame

And that life would be so unfair

October arrived and I still had a smile

Yet, in about two weeks you'd be gone

I simply cannot reconcile

That your spirit has actually moved on

Somehow November had the nerve to come

I simply sat and stared as time ticked by

Just in a daze, completely numb

I didn't even get to say goodbye

Audaciously December strolled right in

Although I barely noticed

I did what I had to, much to my chagrin

On my other kids, I tried hard to be focused.

Now here waltzes in 2025

Only a New Year's Nightmare to be had

You wont be in it, you are no longer alive

Forevermore, I'll be nothing but sad.

So cheers to the future, cheers to the suck

Cheers to all those we've lost

Cheers to the feeling of being hit by a truck

Cheers to being star-crossed

Cheers to the panic, cheers to the rage

I just want to scream and to swear

I'm fighting against turning the page

Please WAKE ME UP from this nightmare!!

~Mommy

*******************************************

Who's next?

12/27/24

"Who's next?" my husband asked

As tears rolled down his face

"Someone is next"... he said again

"Who will be the next empty space?"

"I don't know." I very quietly replied

"I'd never have thought that this year,

It would be her that left too soon"

As my eyes filled up with tears.

But who is next?? A terrifying thought

Maybe it will be one of us

Who is next? The question reverberates

We've lost all of our trust

We no longer live in a fantasy

Where the people we love don't leave

It's now become quite obvious

Even our child we must learn to grieve

Who is next? It circles our brains

While we're awake and while we sleep

Who must we learn to live without?

Which loss will cut us deep?

Who's face should we begin to memorize?

Who's neck should we squeeze extra tight?

Who should we spend all of our moments with?

Who's next to disappear from our sight?

Which loss will break our hearts this year?

Who will be taken out?

Is this all there is to life now?

Just crippling fear and doubt?

No longer is there happiness

No longer is there bliss

Just the question of who's next

And to that I say "FUCK THIS!!!"

Grief may be the price of love

One I'll pay without suggestion

But we constantly live in fear now

"Who's next??" is our biggest question

~Mommy

*******************************************

Christmas Dread

12/24/24

It's strange to dread something like Christmas

I've never felt like this before

To pick out and wrap up each gift

With my heart so tender and sore

It's weird to not feel any joy

As I quickly pass by all the lights

Knowing the only gift I want

Won't be delivered tonight

It's odd to not want Christmas music

Its lyrics merry while I am so blue

I still wake up each and every morning

Thinking this absolutely cannot be true.

It's bizarre to not want to stuff stockings

When that was my favorite thing

It's hard enough to paste on this smile

When my heart's holding on by a string

It's unusual for me not to be giddy

Seeing loved ones unwrap their presents

This year I'd rather ignore it

Since the pain I feel is immense

It's peculiar to laugh and to smile

When you are quite obviously gone

I'm still not sure how I'll get through it

All of this feels very wrong

It's strange to dread something like Christmas

The happiest day of the year

But this one feels very different

Without hope of having you here

~Mommy

*******************************************

I Didn't Mean It

12/15/24

I didn't mean it

I just felt weak

I was so tired

And fell asleep

I didn't mean it

To go away

I meant to live

Another day

I didn't mean it

I was so sad

But I'd not have done that

To my mom & dad

I didn't mean it

To get on that flight

I meant to get off

Before it flew into the night

I didn't mean it

It isn't true

No matter what lies

Are told to you

I didn't mean it

Wouldn't have caused this pain

Wouldn't have checked out

And brought on all this rain

I didn't mean it

You know it never rang true

The notes didn't make sense

Because they werent meant for you

I didn't mean it

I loved you so dearly

I wouldn't have left you

Even if not thinking clearly

I didn't mean it

I did consider it though

But I couldn't bear to leave

I simply couldn't have let go

I didn't mean it

There was so much still to do

Places to visit, people to meet

My adventures were still too few

I didn't mean it

I'd never want you to cry

I'd never want to be the reason

I didn't want to say goodbye

I didn't mean it

Yet here we are

Please know I'm beside you

Even if I feel so far

I didn't mean it

Please stop all those tears

It wont change the circumstances

Wont get back all those years

I didn't mean it

So stop with the guilt

I really loved being a part of

This beautiful family we all built

I didn't mean it

I know I'm still gone

But let that bring peace

When grief gets too strong

I didn't mean it

Know that in your heart

Let down that heavy load

A new chapter you must start

I didn't mean it

Still I see the hurt inside

The grief I didn't mean to cause

The pain you try to hide

I didn't mean it

I miss you just as much

I'm with you all the time

Though we cant see or touch

I didn't mean it

Please let that be enough

Please let yourself move forward

I need you to be tough

I didn't mean it

I promise

I didn't mean it

I swear

I didn't mean it

I love you

I didn't mean it

It's not fair.

I didn't mean it...

I didn't mean it.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!

*******************************************

Christmas Mourning

12/10/24

As Christmas time gets near

It's hard to think that you'll be missing

I don't feel the Christmas cheer

You're the only gift for which I'm wishing

I've put up the pink Christmas tree

I've taken out all the gift bags

The wind was knocked right out of me

As I removed all of last year's tags

I tried so hard not to look

Though I couldn't help but spy

I cursed God for what he took

And tried not to break down and cry

I picked out gifts for the family

Tried hard to be happy, not blue

But there were so many things I did see

That I'd have picked out just for you

Although I tried hard not to do it

Many gifts are of the "memorial" kind

I couldn't help but fill up my basket

With all the roly poly things I could find

I wrote a book for your four neices

"I Have An Aunt in Heaven" is the name

It about broke me into a million pieces

Thinking how things will never be the same

I don't want this world to forget you

I want you to hold Clementine tight

I want her to know you, and Sky too

To them you'll be a book at night

I'll find strength to wrap each and every gift

Try to force my heart on board

But this hole in my chest, a cataclysmic rift

Is like falling on top of a sword

I'll put a smile on my face, do what I should

Mask all the pain deep inside

I won't let them see it, I'll try to be good

So no one will know what I hide

If I start to tear up, if I start to break down

I'll just quickly run to my room

Collect all my thoughts, get rid of my frown

Try to climb back out of my tomb

But as everyone smiles, I'll look around

Still searching and hoping for you

Even though what I lost can never be found

How will I ever make it through?!

I'll try to count blessings, to see those still here

But my world has been rocked to the core

All the safety I had, replaced by this fear

I want things to be like before!!

Still, I'll plaster a smile, mask all I can

Try to just get through the day

Be the wife, mom and gramma I hope I still am

Try to push all this pain far away

I won't lie though, it will be a relief

When the day finally comes to an end

When I can go to my room, give into this grief

And no longer have to pretend

It takes a lot to act like all's okay

To ignore it and not just give in

I pretend you're still here and will be back one day

Though I know very well where you've been

So this Christmas won't be merry or bright

For I'm sad and still stuck in the dark

There's a large dense cloud hiding the light

A big hole where you left your mark

We will unwrap our gifts and keep smiling

All trying to put on a brave face

But inside we all will be dying

Silence resonating from your empty space

I'll still take a moment to cherish

All those who will gather around

I just wish you hadn't have perished

What's Christmas music without any sound

I'm thankful for all those I have here

I'm thankful for memories of you

I'm thankful for all that I hold dear

What the hell else am I supposed to do

So this Christmas will feel very foreign

This Christmas won't feel quite right

This Christmas we all are still mourning

And we'll hold one another extra tight

I'm doing my best not to shut down and close off

The remnants of my heart that still beats

Break the crust, knead the dough, and make soft

Make sure it doesn't try to retreat

There are those on this earth that I still dearly love

Otherwise I'd have already joined you

Plus I know you are watching me from above

I'll channel your spirit in all I do

The only way that I can think to get through Christmas day

Is to try hard not to think about you

Instead feel your love and give it away

To the family and friends that you knew

I may push you away dear, just to get by

But I promise it won't be for long

I just have to make it, I at least need to try

Even though it will feel quite wrong

But when the day winds down and everyone goes

I'll crawl back into my bed

I'll let the pain in, that nobody knows

Let visions of you flood my head

I have to be strong, just for the day

Then I can fall back into my grief

And if, baby girl, I push you away

It's for a split second of relief

The holiday will end, I'll stop holding my breath

I'll get mad that you don't have a future

Every day I dare living, after your death

Every moment I breathe is pure torture

But just for one day, I'll do what I must

To make sure the others don't see

When the day is done, after all of the fuss

It will once again be just you and me.

~Mommy

*******************************************

They Say

12/9/24

They say you're some place better now..

I say 'Just come back home"

They say I'll see you in my dreams

I say "Fine, that's where I'll roam"

They say the streets are made of gold

I say "What good is that?"

They say there are the pearly gates

I say "But are there cats??"

They say youre carefree and happy

I say "Well what about me?"

They say I'll find my way again

I say, "But I can't see."

They say God took you to the sky

I beg "Please take MY hand"

They say you met the angels

I say "Well isn't that grand."

They say you watch me from the stars

I say "I was supposed to watch you"

They say that time heals all wounds

I say "Except when it's a child you grew!!"

They say you'll always be in my heart

I say "You were ALREADY THERE!!"

They say I'll see you when it's my time

I say "That's more than I can bear..."

They say you'd want me to be happy

I say "You didn't need to go"

They say that I'll get through this

I say "What the hell do you know?!"

They say that you're at peace now

I say "So it's a nightmare I get??"

They say I need to resume my life

I say "I'm not ready yet!"

They say it was just your time

I say "To HELL with that!"

They say you're up in Heaven now

I say, "F¥€K HEAVEN! PLEASE COME BACK!!!!"

~Mommy

*******************************************

Without

12/8/24

"I can't even begin to imagine your pain!"

People say to me again and again

I used to be one of them, one in the same

Til October changed all that had been

That phone call brought me straight to my knees

Now I'll never be the person I was

My breath stopped in my lungs, in my chest my heart seized

Yet the world kept on spinning like it does

I couldn't believe what I had just heard

The words they said couldn't be true

My mind froze solid and my eyes they both blurred

My soul started screaming for you

The next morning I woke, NO, it wasn't real

For a moment I almost believed

The numbness wore off and then all I could feel

Was the pain as I started to grieve

Here we are now seven weeks in

And I miss you even more every day

My life it seems I just cannot begin

There's much I still needed to say

How did this happen..It doesn't seem fair

I did everything I thought that I should

Yet my child disappeared right out of thin air

Is this payback...as a mom, was I no good?

Was I not the mommy I needed to be?

Did I not make you feel safe inside?

What happened that day, what didn't I see?

Was it my fault, am I why you died?

Did you not understand I loved you much more

Even more than you thought you loved him?

But you gave up on me, walked right thru that door

Now my world has become very dim

Could you not have called me, could you not have reached out?

Before you chose to end your game

Did you think I wouldn't answer, did I give you a doubt?

I swear I am going insane

I have all these questions, all these what ifs

All the things I wish now I'd done

You had so much life, so many gifts

Did I give you a reason to run?

The ways that I'm feeling I just cannot explain

The guilt, the grief, the betrayal

The nightmare that circles around in my brain

The days that creep by like a snail

How can I go the rest of my life

Without seeing your beautiful face

Without holding you, hearing you, it cuts like a knife

Someone save me from this horrible place

Stop my heart in its tracts, take the wind from my lungs

Do with me whatever you will

Bring back my baby to where she belongs

And give ME that lifeTAKING pill!!

I will do whatever is it that I must

To ensure that my daughter is well

But I can't protect her, for she's now only dust

I'll call the devil, say my soul I will sell

I'd do anything to turn back the hands of time

To the day before you were gone

I'd find all the clues, I'd see all the signs

I'd make sure that you knew you were strong

I'd talk to you all day, I'd hold you all night

I'd keep you safe from everything evil

I'd make sure you made it to the morning light

I'd make sure you knew how I feel

People say its not my fault, I'm not the one to blame

That you knew how much I love you

But I find all those platitudes a little bit lame

How could they possibly know what is true

They say get on with my life, I'm not ready,

Not sure that I ever will be

They say be strong, you've got to stay steady

But I'm shattered, can't they all see

I've got one foot here, one out the door

Can't decide if I'm coming or going

Do I stay all chained up, do I give up and soar

At this point there's no way of knowing

For now I can manage, but leave me please

I just want to stay in my bubble

I don't want to move forward, time needs to freeze

While I sort through all of this rubble

I heard a quote, stopped me dead in my tracks

You'll miss her longer than she was alive

I don't want to think of that, don't want to face facts

With those thoughts how can I ever survive

I loved you every moment of your life

I'll love you for the rest of my mine

If my love could've saved you, taken away all your strife

Then you'd have lived til the very end of time

But it didn't, I couldn't, you could and you did

Now I'm left with nothing but this pain

Why didn't you call, give me the chance to forbid

At least give me a chance to campaign

I'd have changed your mind, turned you around

Made you look in the mirror

Until you could heal, until you had found

Until you could see a bit clearer

You'd still be here if I was given a chance

I know I'd have given you pause

For years yet we could've laughed, played and danced

Now you're someone that I seem to have lost

My sweet baby girl, oh why did you leave

Abandoned us with hearts bleeding out

If only you'd thought, if you'd only believed

We wouldn't be living without....you.

~Mommy

*******************************************

Two Worlds Collide

11/22/24

A mother weeps for what she's lost

Two worlds collide, her heart's the cost

"My soul!" she cries in anguish,

"It's has been torn in two."

Trapped between the present

And the life that she once knew

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I now prefer to sleep,

You're always in my dreams

I hold your urn as night descends,

Cry between the silent screams

For the darkness brings reprieve

From this tormenting chase

I'm trying to outrun the pain,

Still losing at this race

But in the quiet of the night,

I can feel you near

A whisper of your laughter.

Each memory so clear

I see your smile briefly,

In the soft morning glow

Then I ache with the knowledge

That you chose to go

Each day drags so heavy,

No light though there is sun

Each heartbeat is so painful,

No battles here are won

Chase fleeting visions of you,

There dancing in my head

I cry out into the night

For all words left unsaid

Guilt wraps around me like a snake -

Were you not held enough?

Questions rip right through my brains,

They are so sharp and rough

Did you not know your worth?

Did my love somehow fall short?

We tried to make your life so good.

Why did you choose then to abort?

I battle at this anger

That tugs within my core

It's not fair that he lives

When you can breathe no more

I try to be forgiving,

Try to be polite

But he stole my sunny days

And turned them into night

Forgiveness is so fragile

When blame hangs in the air

He cast you off and broke your heart

Without a single care

I want to stop all of this sorrow,

Banish this belief

Yet my soul crumbles daily

Under unimaginable grief

I watch the holidays, As they come creeping right on in

Lost in my thoughts of what is now -

What could've, should've been

Trying to celebrate with joy,

But my heart is split in two

Walking this mine field of loss,

Soul calling out to you

What is left behind for me

When all memories are spent

Grasp tightly to a ghostly voice,

Or a brief whiff of your scent

Within me I find gratitude,

Blooming from despair

Those I love still beside me,

Their laughter fills the air

Grief starts to rush in again,

Like waves upon the shore

I'm missing that one little voice,

Whose laugh I did adore

You were the best of all of us,

So caring and so sweet

Now all we have are broken hearts,

And your empty seat

There's a silence that follows

After each joyful embrace

I constantly scan the crowd,

Still searching for your face

The absence of you dear

Is a feeling quite profound

My heart is in a vice,

My soul's been tightly bound

The pain, it starts to surge,

Like waves beneath a storm

But that's just my reality,

That's just my new "norm"

Should I keep longing for release

Or hold tightly to this thread

An ocean of "whys" form my tears,

I'm drowning in my bed.

How did this even happen,

You slipped out of my arms

Without any fanfare,

You set off no alarms

People say to me "Be strong"

But I long for reprieve

To curl up in these shadows

And be left alone to grieve

Each moment is a battle

Trying to breathe beyond this pain

Reality hits again - you're gone -

Life will never be the same

How do I move beneath this weight,

Or chart another course

The anchor's hooked around my feet,

It's pulling with great force

I'm caught between two worlds,

Do I stay or do I go

I must be strong, but my heart it yearns

For the one I must let go.

Here I sit in mourning,

My whole being, full of scars

No choice have I but to pack my love

And send it to the stars

This pain it has caused ripples

Throughout all space and time

The music lost it's sound,

The lyrics lost their rhyme

I can no longer hear your voice,

I cannot see your face

But in the silence lies a song

Of love's eternal grace

I carried you in my womb

Before I held you to my breast

Now you're carried here in my heart

Until I take my final rest

~Mommy

*******************************************

Fake

11/21/24

I feel like a big poser

Wrapped in this skin of mine

You'll see me smile or laugh

And think I am just fine

I'm trying my very best

To pretend that I'm okay

I'll go about my business

And pass the time away

You'll see me take each step

Figure it gets easier for me

But you're just seeing my act

Being who I think I should be

I'll have to go back to work

Because there are bills to pay

I'm not sure how I'll concentrate

When thoughts of you get in the way

I guess life must go on

I dont know why or how

But this is my new reality

My life is just painful now

There's no breath within my lungs

Though I can hear myself talk

No strength is left within my legs

But still youll see me walk

Just a puppet on a string

Rather hanging by a thread

Youll see me animated

But the life from me's been bled

You see I'm just a phoney

An actress, a big fake

I stand outside my body now

Watch this life I've been forced to make

~Mommy

*******************************************

Shattered 11/20/24

The day that you died, I died that day too

Replaced by someone that nobody knew

I wasn't the same, never again to be me

Not hopeful, not happy, not fearless, not free

The grief and pain shook me right to the core

And I wasn't the woman that I was before

You decided for all enough was enough

Now I have to be brave, I have to be tough

But I have a million glass shards in my heart

On that day, a new life, I was then forced to start

What's a mother without her daughter still here

A shadow of herself, locked in darkness and fear

The will to go on, desperation to leave

I don't want to face this, I don't want to grieve

Don't like this new life that I've been forced to live

You had so much to do, so much love to still give

You decided your life had to come to an end

That he wasn't your only, you could not comprehend

If you had only given it a little bit of time

Seen a life without him would have been so sublime

He was only your first, not Mister Right

He stole all of your happiness, all of your light

Little by little he whittled you down

So unsure of yourself and he just watched you drown

He broke not only your heart, he broke many more

Like a thief in the night, from our chests they were tore

He is only a boy, I know it wasn't his fault

But in your open wound he poured lots of salt

So even if I shouldn't, even if it's not right

I do blame him for what happened that night

Hurting you was something he probably didn't mean

But you were so much happier before he entered the scene

However, if it was my son in his place I'd be sure

That it wasn't his fault, yet my emotions still blur

I want to blame someone for why you're not here

My mind knows the truth, but my heart isn't clear

It's his fault, it's your fault, it's God's fault, it's mine

Why you lost all your glitter, lost all your shine

I should have seen it myself, when you started to fade

Should've seen you were standing on the edge of a blade

Mental illness disguises itself very well

Outwards they are happy, inside sadness dwells

Wearing a mask to hide all the pain

I should've seen thru the sun, that on you there was rain

What now is a mother supposed to feel or to do

When she missed all the signs, missed all the cues

I'll tell you what happens - she begs and she pleads

To have a redo - that's all that she needs

This world is hateful, yet you were so kind

It's swallowed you whole, how could I be so blind

If 19 years were all that you got

They were full of love & adventure, which means quite a lot

Still the memories give me no peace in the end

The minutes and hours and days, they just blend

I'm breathing, but I wouldn't say that I live

My world is in chaos, I've nothing to give

I don't look in the mirror for I just see your face

Sadness in my eyes, all joy now erased

Daddy's eyes also reflect what mine show

They no longer glitter, no longer glow

Obligated to live, to put others ahead

Might be fully broken, but I am not dead

Keep on trudging forward, try not to look back

At the ways that I failed, the things I did lack

Now on the floor, in shattered pieces I lay

Beg for you to come back or God take me away

But I'm forced to get up and keep pushing on through

Cursing at the rubble of the life I once knew

~Mommy

*******************************************

My Worst Fear

11/17/24

My worst fear was that I lost you

And so I looked away

I could not face the cold hard truth

Of what happened on that day

My worst fear was that I lost you

And so I play pretend

I cannot face the grief and pain

Your life did not just end

My worst fear was that I lost you

So I live deep in denial

That you'll come back one of these days

Though you've been gone a while

My worst fear was that I lost you

I don't believe this pack of lies

You'll be home by Christmas time

It will be a big surprise

My worst fear was that I lost you

But I never thought I would

It's not the way it's meant to be

I did all the things I should

My worst fear was that I lost you

My whole then turned to black

My worst fear had just come true

Now I'll never get you back

My worst fear was that I lost you

So I look forward to the night

There in my dreams we smile and laugh

Once more we reunite

My worst fear was that I lost you

But I will find you once again

I may have to wait but I'm sure we'll be

Happier than we've ever been

My worst fear was that I lost you

And so I turned away

I still can't face the cold hard truth

That I lost you on that day

~Mommy

*******************************************

Grief & Denial

11/16/24

You will always be my daughter, that will never change

Life without you here still seems so very strange

I used to see the future, so blessed and so dang bright

Now all I see is clouds, a dark and endless night

In my eyes I'm sure the truth was very plain to see

God, I hope you realized how happy you made me

All these memories fill my mind, the love it floods my soul

Precious scenes from your childhood and throughout your life unfold

In your eyes everyone was equal, special and unique

You loved all creatures just alike, unconditionally

I am so proud your siblings are very much the same

Huge hearts they have, your brother even started a movement in your name

But this is such a distance, a huge mountain I must climb

Honestly, I can't say if I'll ever be fine

Life has knocked me down, more than I thought it could

I was on top of the world, my life was oh so good

You slipped away into the night and I got left behind

So many questions and what ifs, is there a truth to find?

I foolishly believed you'd be here til my very end

If I had only known I'd never see your face again

I'd have held on so damn tight, you'd turn a shade of blue

To keep you here with us there's not a thing I wouldn't do

I can't imagine not being able to hear your voice once more

All of us are struggling, we're shaken to the core

People like to say to me, "It's gonna be alright."

But every breath, each step I take is a grueling fight.

They say after the night, there's always a sunrise

They don't understand, each time I wake, a piece of my soul dies

They don't know what it's like, deep inside my brains

Stops the air inside my lungs, bleeding from my veins.

The sob that comes from deep within, the sound a mother makes

When this world of evil, your child it cruelly takes

My pillow holds my screams, the cries of pain I hide

I shake uncontrollably from the ache I hold inside.

Losing track of time since it no longer holds its meaning

Trying to find myself again, trying to find feeling.

Feel the heaviness in my bones, my new normal now

I will never let you go, this is my solemn vow

Walking through my life, only quicksand underneath

Numb, raw and in denial. Can't see past all my grief.

Pease give me strength to just hold on because I am so weak

Those I love here still need me, my joy I must now seek

I have doubts, I am not sure that I can find my way

Most of the time I wonder if I'll ever be okay

I can't carry this weight much more, it's dragging me down

Every time I smile, another reason comes to frown

Its so strange to wanna live, yet also wanna die

To feel the need to keep on going but never say goodbye

Your spirit was so free and light, your feathers meant to fly

You were too pure, too angelic so you ascended to the sky.

But I'm not ready, this can't be true, it must be a mistake

Please come on home, we won't be mad..my hand you must now take

Just a cruel joke that went too far, but now it must be done

We've shed our tears in vain, you must know you've surely won

Come through that door, into my arms and let me kiss your head

Let me look upon your face and be sure that you're not dead

Lay your head down baby, right here upon my chest

Rest assured that Mommy knows how to love you best

~Mommy

*******************************************

Bugs

11/14/24

You said "Look for me in the bugs!"

And so I looked around

Here I thought I was alone

Couldn't believe what I had found

I saw a fancy ladybug

With her wings all black and red

She stayed for a moment, then took off

And landed on my head!

I saw a lonely centipede

With its billion little legs

Why it needs so many, I don't know

But the question really begs

I saw a gorgeous butterfly

Whose wings were orange and black

It landed on my shaking hand

It could feel I want you back

I saw a yellow jacket nest

As they flew both in and out

I kept my distance as I watched

Getting stung is not what I'm about

I saw a jumping spider

Caught myself thinking how cute it is

Followed my movements from side to side

Wonder what's in that mind of his

I saw a long slimy worm

Is that even considered a bug?

Remember that one as long as your foot?

Oh wait, that was 10 inch slug!

I saw a hairy caterpillar

I heard you say, "Don't touch!

Some of those can be dangerous

A sting that would hurt so much."

Then I saw the biggest moth

That I had ever seen

It's wings spread out 6 inches wide

It was a beautiful bluish green

I saw one of those carpenter ants

And I couldn't help but smile

Thinking of that tree in Kingston

That they fell out of for quite a while!

I heard a loud cicada

You even had a tattoo of one

Always hiding their bodies all over the house

You thought that was so much fun

I saw the important honeybee

Of course I thought of you

Not just the bug, but your coffee

And the milk foam flowers that you drew

And then I saw a dragonfly

With its iridescent wings

They symbolize a soul is free

Hope and infinite possibility it brings

Finally I saw what I was looking for

The most important bug to see

The one you said you'd come back as

It was a roly-poly!

~Mommy

*******************************************

Wake up

11/13/24

I want to shake your sleeping body

I want to slap your pretty face

This isn't your time yet Marya

You need to get out of this place!

There are people who still need you here

Down on Earth below

This makes no sense, it isn't right

It's not your time to go

Gramma & Grumpy, Mimi & Pappy

Their hearts have very deep bruises

They all love you so much, didn't you know

Nobody wins this way, just loses.

Caleb started a trend and I hope it takes off

Of spreading to strangers your love

But you're meant to be down here with us below

Not so far, so way up above

His and Chelsea's baby is coming in May

They plan to name her after you

But you're supposed to hold her here in your arms

Not just be a memory we knew

Raine and Lily are being so very brave

But I know that they miss you so much

Sky & Clementine won't even know who you are

Never remember your touch

Brooke is surviving though it's killing her too

But the girls are depending on her

I wish I could recall all of you at that age

But it went by so fast, in a blur

Bobo (Alex) is doing the best that he can

It's all anybody can do

We all live in denial because it just can't be

We couldn't have actually lost you.

Daddy is having such a hard time

He's trying to go back to work

He pushes his emotions off to the side

Deep within pain and panic just lurk.

And well me? Your Mommy is not doing well

I feel like I'm in a black hole

My heart has been ripped right out of my chest

I've lost a part of my soul

So wake up my beautiful sweet darling girl

Let me pour cold water on your face

Because you're not supposed to be up there quite yet

We still need you down here in this place

You can do it baby girl, just open your eyes

Drink a sip of life from my cup

Put your arms around my neck and say I love you

Come on Marya please just WAKE UP!!

~Mommy

*******************************************

Your Voice

11/12/24

I don't want to believe that you're really gone

This nightmare must go away